She Silently Suffers Because No One Wants To Mention Her Late Husband For Fear Of Making Her Sad... So They Buy Her Flowers Instead
Everyone she knows is scared that talking about him will "remind" her that he passed...She didn't forget...She never will...But by avoiding it...
You are keeping her from celebrating that he LIVED...
"If you see someone standing in the middle of the Valentine's Day aisle with a mixture of sadness and panic written all over her face... just know she's trying to survive the red and pink assault."
- Widow Chick Blog
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They say - "give it time"
"time heals all wounds."
But that's a lie.
Because while passing time does help people start to get back to (sort of) normal after they lose someone...
What they don't tell you is - the reason this happens is..
Time, is a thief.
It steals away the clarity of our memories with the person we lost.
So while someone may "feel better" over time...because they aren't actively thinking about the person they lost...
At the same time, they are being robbed of the:
- beautiful memories
- sense of presence
- closeness they felt
to the person.
They are losing the very best parts of them.
Their laugh...
The sound of their voice...
The way they always knew what to say and when to say it...
And worse - no one wants to mention their loss to them - so they never get to talk about these things or their person either...
They never get to re-live the good times. To laugh. To feel the love they felt before.
And the holidays? Those are the worst.
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Christmas morning - one less stocking, an empty chair at the table
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Valentine's Day - a day that used to mean love, now just means loss
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Mother's Day / Father's Day - no one left to call, no brunch to plan, just a day full of reminders
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Their birthday - a day of celebration turned into a day of grief
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The anniversary - reliving the worst day of their life, every single year
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Thanksgiving - trying to feel grateful when all they feel is loss
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Do you think a bouquet of flowers could ever "fix" this?
But that's the #1 thing people who lost someone receive as a sympathy gift.
By well-meaning friends and family members, in an attempt to say "I'm with you. I feel your pain. I see you"
But what all the people buying them flowers, trying to help them through their grief don't know is...
They're actually making it WORSE on the person.
The Truth About Flowers As A Sympathy Gift
I know this may sound strange...
But it's true.
And what no one you bought them for would ever dare tell you is...
It's actually a TRAUMATIC experience.
Why?
Because flowers eventually die too.
And watching them wilt, die, and having to throw them out afterwards...not only doesn't help people grieve their loss...
It makes their grief worse.
Think about it.
It starts with the best intentions
Let's say someone you know had tragically lost her husband.
Not even recently - let's say it happened even three to five years ago...
For her - Valentine's Day is no longer a day of love.
It's no longer a day for happiness...
In fact, it's now one of the saddest days of her entire year.
And let's say you know that - and because you're a good person and friend, you make it a point to buy her flowers every year on that day.
She smiles as you hand them to her...shedding a few tears...
She acts grateful - and she is...
After all no one else thought to do something like this.
They think reminding her will make her sad. She is already sad.
You at least made the effort to help ease her pain some.
But here's what you don't see...
She goes home and puts those flowers in a vase, and sets it on her table...
She thinks about her husband and misses him for a while...
Goes to sleep that night, wakes up the next morning - a normal day...
After all this time has passed since she lost her husband most days start "normal"
She may think of him but not to the point of getting emotional...
Then she walks downstairs, and on the table, is a reminder.
And the same thing the next day...and the day after that...
So while you meant to do a sweet and supportive thing by getting her those flowers...
What you actually did was give her a full week or more of every morning starting her day being reminded of losing the love of her life, forever...
And when those flowers do begin to wilt, and it's time for her to throw them away...
She is forced to go through the traumatic act of getting rid of them. On top of the past week of reminders of her loss.
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Listen - you meant well. You have a kind soul. You care about her.
But this is why flowers are the worst gift you could ever give someone who's lost someone, on a holiday or anniversary of their passing.